it's all about spring

Greetings, Goose Army.  It’s October…so obviously Halloween is something that is going to be going on for 31 full days, right?  And I am not complaining.

One thing that says “Halloween” (or really, just fall) is Pumpkin Pie.  I know this is a divisive tasty lil’ treat…but I love it.  Don’t get me wrong–pumpkin tastes like asshole and I want nothing to do with it.  However, when you put it in a pie, I’m here for that shit.  It’s one of the best conduits for whip cream consumption, too.  No one will judge you for spraying a whole bottle of Reddi-wip on top of a slice of pumpkin pie.  That alone makes it amazeballs.

Anyhoozles, my grandmother used to make the very best pumpkin pies.  I’m pretty sure she stole the recipe from somebody or some company, but it was still the best.  Before she died, I managed to snag her recipe.  I share that with you today.  If you enjoy pumpkin pie, this will quickly turn into your favorite pumpkin pie recipe.  It’s super quick, easy, cheap, and fucking delicious.

Here we go:


2 – 15oz cans Libby’s 100% Pumpkin Puree (NOT “pumpkin pie filling”)

1 – 14 oz can Eagle Brand Sweetened Condensed Milk (you can do 2 cans if you like super sweet pies)

2 large eggs

2 standard size frozen pie crusts (or make your own–may God have mercy on your soul)

2 tsp ground cinnamon

1 tsp ground ginger

1 tsp ground nutmeg

1 tsp iodized salt

That’s it.  Easy enough, right?

PREHEAT YOUR OVEN TO 425 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT!!! (I think that’s 220 Celsius, Pip)


At this point, you can just grab a big bowl and dump your pumpkin puree, Eagle Brand Sweetened Condensed Milk, eggs, and spices into a bowl and mix that shit up.  But be careful.  It splatters.  Don’t go fucktard crazy, okay?

I mean, it looks like dook, right?
Looking tastier.
Even tastier looking.
Even tastier.
Okay, it still looks like diarrhea…but whatever.

Next, put both of your frozen pie crusts on a large cookie/cake baking sheet.  This just makes it easier to transfer both pies into and out of the oven.

Don’t judge my sheet pan, okay?  It’s seen some shit over the years.

Next, pour the pumpkin pie filling into the shells and spread it out evenly with your stirring implement.  I use these Rachel Ray rubber spatulas. A set costs like 7 bucks.


Okay, so it still looks like diarrhea, except in a pie shell.  Whatever.

Bake these tasty lil’ fuckers at 425 degrees for 15 minutes.

Bump the heat down to 350 degrees (175 Celsius, Pip) and bake for another 30-40 minutes until fully set…




I hope you all enjoy this one as much as I do.  It really makes me get in the Halloween/Fall spirit!

That’s how we do it!

I gotta go.

Until next time…


6 thoughts on “Halloween Yum-Yum: Pumpkin Pie

  1. Confession: I am the one weird sombitch that just hates pumpkin pie. I hate pumpkin anything, really. I think pumpkin is nasty. Pup, on the other hand, will eat an entire pumpkin pie in a sitting if given the opportunity (and not gain and ounce the skinny bastard).

  2. Oh Allen, so brilliant yet so fucking funny. I read it this morning, and when I read the sentence on making your own pie crusts ‘may got have mercy on your soul’ I choked on my coffee and couldn’t stop laughing, cos I get that completely. The diarrhea look makes sense, yet you could get over it if you shut your eyes. It looks great and I will make for sure. Have you thought about doing a recipe book? Your unique style would sell I’m sure 🙂

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