Fall seems to finally be arriving in Texas. That’s my version of “how ’bout them Cowboys?!” Southerners get it.
Anyhoozles, did you know that I’m a weirdo? I can picture the looks of shock on all of your faces as I type this out. Allen’s a…weirdo?!? This is the first we’re hearing of this!
No, really, it’s true. I have this vibe to me.
Wanna know why I’m a weirdo? My barely contained enthusiasm for…everything. My body (and there’s a lot of it) vibrates daily with excitement and enthusiasm for so many things that it can barely be contained. You think a body this size could hold quite a bit, but I hit critical mass years ago–and I’m not just talking about the size of my ass for once.
If I run across a person who intrigues me, something pretty, something unique, something that smells delicious, a song I love, a raccoon (obvs), I go into full-on freaking weirdo mode. I don’t hold back. I have to express my adoration and excitement. I’m the type of freak to say to a perfect stranger: “You’re my new best friend”. And, if you’re the aforementioned raccoon–I will try to pet you. I don’t care if you’re foaming at the mouth. That goes for the stranger who’s my new best friend and the raccoon.
Ask JoJo how many times this scenario has played out:
Me: *staring creepily at her*
JoJo: What’s your fucking problem?!?
Me: I just adore you.
Me: I really love you.
JoJo: You’re a fucking weirdo. Love you, too.
This is usually followed by me tackling her into the wall and hugging her like Lenny found a bunny while she screams for help. But no one is coming to save her. She has to suffer. She signed a piece of paper in front of a judge. I own that piece of crap.
I can’t help it. Sometimes I just have to express how happy I am, how enthusiastic I am, how much I love things.
But I don’t have the social skills to make this aspect of my personality not come off as anything but weird. You know what makes it worse? I really really really try to control it whenever I realize that it’s bubbling out.
I’m too self-aware. I know that if I walk up to a stranger I just saw pick up an ice cream I love from the freezer case at the grocery store and try to strike up a conversation about how mint chocolate chip is the best ice cream, I’ll probably get maced. At best, I’ll get the dreaded “what kind of fucking weirdo are you?” look. That look stings. And the cops might get called. It’s just a bad situation waiting to develop.
I also take things at face value. For such a sarcastic, fat fuck, I tend to take the things people say and believe that they truly mean them. I don’t detect others’ sarcasm as well as I should, nor do I detect it quickly when people are being disingenuous. If someone says “Oh, my God, isn’t Taylor Swift amazeballs?!” I’ll treat them to a ten-minute monologue about how Shake It Off is the anthem we all needed when we needed it. Of course, then I see the “look at this weirdo” expression on their face and I realize that, once again, I’ve missed the mark with my poor social skills.
I’m a pretty sarcastic person. I deal with a lot of things with humor. A lifetime of battling anxiety and depression have forced me to either develop a dark, dark, dark sense of humor or succumb to a really dangerous mentality. A lifetime of feeling on edge randomly (thank you, depression, anxiety, and horrible people) has forced me to develop a pretty thick skin. An air of “I don’t give an eff of any size”–which is in direct contrast to who I truly am as a person. That person is “really big cheerleader”.
I’ll pop, lock, and drop it for anything I think is amazing. That could be anything from a really tasty slice of pizza to that raccoon who is foaming at the mouth. But, I’ll be a total asshole while I’m doing it.
I guess the fact that I’m not apologetic about it, the fact that I know I’m being a weirdo but don’t try too hard to stop it, the fact that I will never stop doing it, can be a little much for a wide swath of the populace. That’s okay. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. I’m a really fine bourbon, anyway.
So, I guess, what I’m saying today is:
Not everyone will appreciate your enthusiasm. Fuck it. Be enthusiastic anyway.
Be you. Be weird. Us weirdos get it.
I gotta go.
Until next time…