Jesse Loves You

Autocorrect.  Spellcheck.  Grammarly.

These are amazing tools that writers and bloggers depend on to make sure that they don’t sound completely stupid.  Your average texter uses these tools, too.  Anyone with a smartphone nowadays uses them.  They’re omnipresent.

They’re also absolute shit at times.  While also being absolutely hilarious.

We’ve all had autocorrect funnies happen to us.  “Fuck” gets turned into “Duck” and so forth.  Personally, one day I texted JoJo and said: “I hope everyone hates you.” I had typed “I hope everyone helps you.”  Autocorrect decided I didn’t know what I was talking about and insulted JoJo for me.  When she texted back “WHAT?!?”  I replied, “I said what I said.”  Why explain when autocorrect knew what was in my heart?

My favorite recent autocorrect situation didn’t actually happen to me.  This one belongs to JoJo and a friend of hers.


JoJo was texting a friend about things that were bothering her, and her friend replied: “Just remember, Jesus loves you.”  But, instead of “Jesus”, autocorrect changed it to “Just remember, Jesse loves you.”  The funniest part is that this friend knows that JoJo is not religious and would be irritated by this text–and it got changed to “Jesse”.  That’s just comedy right there.

JoJo laughed hysterically as she relayed the story to me.  As I’m laughing, she burst into song.  But instead of “I wish that I had Jesse’s girl”, this waterhead starts singing “Jesse’s mom has got it going on!”

I stared at my wife for a very long time, wondering if it’s too late to annul our marriage.  She looked at me, with all earnestness, and said: “What??”

I think you have Stacy and Jesse confused, ya’ big asshole. I replied.

She told me to “eat a dick” and went on about her day.  But, I feel that if we were keeping score, I won that fight.  But just to prove that JoJo is a complete waterhead for confusing two very different songs–treat yourself to some music:

Until next time…



  1. So what are you trying to say, Allen? Are you saying that ONLY Stacy’s mom can have it “going on?” What about Jesus’s mom? I think that we can all agree that SHE really had it going on, can’t we? As to Jesse’s mom? Eh. As to their dad’s? Well, that would just be weird, maybe even s little perverted, doncha think? Which is why we probably shouldn’t talk about them. By the way, autocorrect has tried to fix this for me no less than two times now. Stupid, ducking autocorrect!


    1. Honestly, I don’t know what’s going on with Jesse’s mom…but we all know Stacy’s mom had it going on. Also, is it weird that I get more upset with Grammarly saying “assbag” isn’t a word more than I do autocorrect changing what I say?

  2. I’ve had my new phone a while now and it STILL thinks I like to say “duck” a lot. What the duck?!?

    On a related note, Jesse’s Girl is the song I use the most to embarrass the teenager with in the car. Nobody wants to hear their mom singing about “loving him with that body” at the top of her lungs. LOL.

  3. Ah autocorrect, it has a mind of it’s own…. and an evil streak as well. I understand changing words that are spelled incorrectly, but dropping numbers? Not cool. I was texting a friend about meeting for lunch last week… I texted 12:30 and autocorrect dropped the 2 without me noticing. I waited for an hour and blessed her out when she showed up at 1:30. That’s just mean.

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