Men are awful. Let’s all admit (even guys like me) that guys are constantly doing shit without thinking about how it affects others first. Not that people of other genders are perfect. I mean, I think we all need to admit that the thing we all have in common is that we’re all just awful, awful, awful assholes. But I’m not here to write a post about men versus women or anything like that.
However, I am here to declare a hill that I am willing to die on. It’s called “Manspreading”, and it looks something like this:
Men get into a lot of trouble for certain things others take as microaggressions. For example, not putting the seat down when we’re done with the toilet for the women in the house. The man that lives in my head says “She doesn’t put the seat up for me–is she incapable of putting the seat down herself?” But, that’s a “choose your battle” type situation. But, just FYI, in the St. Clair house, we’re both adults and put the seat up or down as needed. We don’t need the other person in the house to do that tiny chore for us because we aren’t physically disabled. If JoJo forgets to put the seat down and her business gets baptized, that’s on her. If I forget to put the seat up and make a mess, I’ll be cleaning the toilet and the surrounding area.
Regardless, with things like that, I just shrug my shoulders and move on with muh day.
However, not everything a man does is meant as an act of aggression towards other genders–particularly those without their gentles on the outside of their bodies.
Look–all genders have body things that occur which cause problems. We don’t really talk about them out loud, because ew, but we all have an unspoken understanding that certain things happen and we all have to roll with the punches. Women get their periods and have to worry about bleeding through their clothes. Sometimes you sneeze and have to do that quick hand cup over the nose area so that the surprise wad of snot that just flew out doesn’t gross others out. Sometimes when you tinkle, you get a little on your pants or underwear and you just have to deal with it. Sometimes a fart might squeak out during sex. The human body is fucked up and unpredictable. But, just so everyone knows, you’re all beautiful and wonderful and there’s nothing wrong with you. Except you, Craig. Who’s Craig? Doesn’t matter. He knows what he did.
So…let me explain the biology behind “Manspreading” for those whose gentles are not on the outside of their bodies.
Sometimes–well, quite often–when a person with a penis and a pair of testicles sits with their legs together, it feels like the circulation to our business is getting cut off. Ever have your foot fall asleep and you have to jiggle it until it “wakes up”, the whole time it feels like pins and needles and the “going off the air” announcements followed by static on an 80’s television? Yeah, it’s pleasant.
Now imagine that you have two walnut size things in a pouch hanging from between your legs feeling like that as you do your best to not be a nuisance and spread your legs. Sometimes, you just gotta spread those legs and let the circulation start back up so that you don’t feel like your gentles are being squeezed in a vice grip. It’s hurting so bad you don’t think about if it’s an inconvenience to others, because you’re not thinking “I wonder if anyone cares if I free Master Harold and the Boys for a minute?”. You just want it to stop.
And you can’t always just stand up and walk it off. You try “walking it off” when you’re on the crowded Powell-Mason cable car in San Francisco. Trust me, you have to choose between death and aching balls. Not an easy choice, but you’re going to go with aching balls every time.
When people say that “Manspreading” is men showing their dominance, I get so irritated.
My testicles throb with rage.
For the most part, men are not trying to commit a microaggression towards anyone. They just want to stop feeling like they have testicular torsion.
Basically, can we all agree that, from here on out, we don’t have to think that everything someone else does is meant to be rude or an inconvenience to us? Sometimes it’s just thoughtless and not mindful and maybe they’re just dealing with a body issue. Maybe, just maybe, their gentles fell asleep and they need to let them breathe. And it’s not like a guy can turn to a strange person on the subway and say, “I’m sorry, ma’am/sir, but my balls are throbbing like a son of a bitch and I need to spread my legs. Is that okay?”
I gotta go.
This post was inspired by Nova Halliwell’s “Gentlemen, A Word?” post over at Advice I Needed Yesterday. Stop by and check her blog out–it’s absolutely amazeballs!
Until next time…