This story starts several years ago–about 5–when it became apparent that the town that I live in would never be able to produce potable water with any regularity for the citizens that pay exorbitant prices to the water department. Every other week, we’re on a boil ban because the corrupt people on the city council (well, at least when this started), cared more about funneling money to things that didn’t matter to the people that actually live here instead of upgrading infrastructure.
Because of this, the fact that the water was only good for bathing or maybe boiling pasta–since you gotta boil the water–I ordered drinking water delivery. From a rather well-known company. I won’t name the company since I don’t want to give them free press and well, I ain’t looking to start shit with a company that can afford fancy lawyers. Ya’ feel me?
Anyhoozles, JoJo and I decided to get rid of this water delivery service recently due to a variety of reasons. The most important being–we just don’t need it anymore. Simple enough.
So…being the finance/bill person in this marriage, I called the company one afternoon while JoJo and I were just chilling in the living room.
Customer Service Rep: Thank you for calling <redacted>, this is Goddamn Motherfucker #1, how can I help you today?
Me: Hi, Goddamn Motherfucker #1. I was just calling to cancel our water delivery service.
CSR: Oh! I’m sorry to hear that. I see you’ve been with us for five years. Can I ask why you’ve chosen to cancel?
Me: (coming up with a quick lie) We started the service due to our city not ever having potable water, but we’re moving now.
CSR: Well, if you can give me the zip code you’re moving to, I’ll see if we can deliver there for you.
Me: (thinking quickly again) Potable water is not an issue there, so your service just isn’t necessary anymore. But thank you.
CSR: Well, I’m glad to hear that, but I hate that you’re leaving us. Let me connect you to our cancellation department and they’ll get this request finished for you.
Me: *internally* “What the fuck were we doing talking to each other then, Goddamn Motherfucker #1???” Okay! Sounds great! Thanks, Goddamn Motherfucker #1.
CSR: Thank you for calling <redacted>, this is Goddamn Motherfucker #2, how can I help you today?
Me: Yes. I’m just…cancelling our service.
CSR: I hate to hear that you’re leaving us. I see that you’ve been with us for five years. Can I ask why you’re canceling?
Me: Well, as I told Goddamn Motherfucker #1, our city didn’t have potable water, but we’re moving, so the service isn’t needed.
CSR: If you want to give me your new zip code, I can tell you if we deliver to your new home’s location.
Me: Look, Goddamn Motherfucker #2, the new place has potable water. We just need y’all to come get your stuff, k?
CSR: …okay. I see you have a bottom loading cooler. How many bottles, empty and full, do you have left?
Me: *getting up to check* Six empty, three full, one in the cooler.
CSR: So, ten total?
CSR: We can come as early as the 8th to collect everything, but FDA regulations won’t let us resell water so your full bottles will be dumped. Do you want us to give you more time to finish your water?
Me: We can just keep them and y’all can collect everything else.
CSR: We have to collect everything you have. Even the unused water. I’m sorry.
Me: We’ve…we’ve paid for the full bottles, Goddamn Motherfucker #2.
CSR: I’m sorry, sir. It’s just part of the contract.
Me: Okay, Goddamn Motherfucker #2. Send ’em out on the 8th. We’ll have everything ready.
So, jump ahead to the night of the 7th. JoJo and I had been struggling to drink GALLONS of water, giving it to Jolene in bucketfuls, just doing what we could. But, it was midnight on the 7th, and we had TWO 5-gallon bottles unopened and one half-full 5-gallon bottle in the cooler.
I looked at JoJo, admitted defeat, and said we’d just have to leave those full bottles out front with everything else.
Then he got an idea! An awful idea! The Grinch got a wonderful, awful idea!
I turned to JoJo, with my wonderful, awful, Grinch-y smile. Next thing ya’ know, we’re pulling empty pitchers, bowls, pots, pans, everything we could find out of cupboards and filling them up with water from 5-gallon bottles. We were filling Jolene’s huge water bowl to the brim, filling the coffee maker–if it could hold water, we were filling that shit up. JoJo turned to me and said:
“You are fucking crazy when you feel you’ve been fucked over.”
“Well, I’m bitter!” I cackled.
JoJo replied with a similar cackle, “You’re ratchet is what you are.”
To wrap this up–when the “water service delivery company” showed up the next day, there were ten 5-gallon bottles, EMPTY, and a cooler waiting on the front porch for them. And our fridge is full of pitchers and covered bowls full of potable drinking water that we paid for and we weren’t giving back. The beans I had to boil for meal prep this week? They got boiled in refreshing, artesian spring water. Yes, they did. Our coffee each day? Made with refreshing, artesian spring water. Jolene? Oh, that bitch is getting some crisp, fresh, artesian spring water, poured directly from a pitcher that’s kept in the fridge each day. I may be bitter and ratchet–but you ain’t screwing me out of $30 worth of water, Goddamn Motherfucker #2.
Anyhoozles–why not join a cult?
Until next time…