Text Me? – There’s a Waiver for That

For those of you who follow The Midnight Goose religiously–first of all, thank you (and what is wrong with you?).  Also, you are aware that if people text me, they’re most likely in for a treat.  Well, some say “treat”, others say “bullshit”.  There’s no telling how I’ll respond to even the most reasonably normal text message.  You may get an actual response–a soliloquy about my recent bowel movement–or just an emoji middle finger.  Depends on the time of day and whether or not I’ve had my caffeine yet.  *shrugs* It’s a crapshoot, really.

People who text me aren’t the only ones who have to watch out.  If I have your number, you may just get a random text full of my bullshit just out of the blue.  Maybe I was bored.  Who’s to say?  I just do things and see how it works out.  My whole life is one social experiment.  You might end up in one of my sex surveys.  Be forewarned.

Anyhoozles, thought I’d treat everyone to some more texting nonsense that’s gone down recently.  Enjoy!  And may God have mercy on our souls.

Recently, I Snapchatted and texted this pic to several people.  I was bored.  They were mostly amused.
A little backstory on this – JoJo was texting me from the other room after she told me I couldn’t go get another coffee from CJ’s because that was wasteful when we had coffee at home.  Then she tried to convince me that we should go get tacos even though we’d eaten out earlier.  This happened.
I recently sent this picture to my friend Cynthia with the caption “Jolene’s butthole says ‘hi’!”
This is what happens when I try to be nice to JoJo.  Everyone gets cussed out and flipped off.
JoJo and I discussing decor.

The following are a few of the texts I got on my birthday:

From JoJo (the missus) in the middle of the night while she was at work.
I think this one was from Dalton.  Can’t remember.  But I hadn’t had my coffee yet.
My birthday message from my friend Cynthia.  I think I was two cups of coffee in at this point.
From my sister.  I had had coffee, but she was asking for it.

Until next time…



  1. 1) *note to self* Re-examine hooped earring collection.
    2) Butthole greetings are seriously under rated.
    3) Submit screenplay for pilot of new Designing Women series starring Allen and JoJo.

  2. So, Allen, since it’s in my face and now on my mind, have you ever had to shave Jolene’s lady garden — you know, for medical reasons and not just for perverted amusement?

    Also, great post!


    1. Funny story. We did actually shear her when we adopted her ‘cause she was blowing her coat. But she’s not particularly keen on being groomed, so we left her coot-coot and surrounding areas alone.

        1. Yeah. She had a fluffy undercarriage. Looked like Betty White’s head coming out of her back end. But she was already so stressed about being sheared that we just didn’t think it was safe to get the clippers near such a sensitive area.

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