Social Media A-Hole – An Unexpurgated Rant/Sequel

I’m just going to say what every author, blogger–HUMAN–is thinking.  Social media is the absolute worst.  It’s the worst part of my job.  I’d rather light myself on fire and try to put it out with that blue shit in airplane toilets than have to deal with social media.

When I’m done writing this post up, I’ll probably be right back onto Twitter, liking, retweeting, and making twats, so…take all of this with a grain of Morton’s.

It was George Carlin who said:

People are wonderful. I love individuals. I hate groups of people. I hate a group of people with a ‘common purpose’. ‘Cause pretty soon they have little hats. And armbands. And fight songs. And a list of people they’re going to visit at 3am. So, I dislike and despise groups of people but I love individuals. Every person you look at; you can see the universe in their eyes if you’re really looking.

And that sums up social media for me.  I absolutely adore individuals that are my friends/followers on social media sites (not that I have a shit-ton at the moment), but collectively, social media sites and their members can really rub my ass sideways.  Once people get involved in social media, they take on this herd mentality of “Let’s be the worst possible versions of ourselves!”

I recently posted this on the Tweeter:


And I stand by it.  I’ve actively considered leaving all social media and going with a “grassroots” method of promoting my blog, writings, and books.

tumblr_m1zv11A1Ru1qbku0go1_500Recently my Instagram follower count went from 200+ to less than 100.  Why?  Because I noticed that people would follow me, then, once I followed them back, within the next day or two, they’d unfollow me.  I mean–why is this a thing?  Why would you pull this dick move?  I’m willing to follow you and help you get exposure, why are you not willing to do the same for me?  Because, if I’m going to clog my timeline with your nonsense, the least you could do is the same.  I mean, we can always “mute” each other–you don’t have to be a dick and just unfollow once you get what you want.  I mean–this isn’t a Grindr “meet and greet”–we can stay friends after the initial “transaction”.

So, I did a Great Instagram Purge™.  Anyone that didn’t follow me got unfollowed–well, at least the ones that followed then unfollowed me.  I follow folks on social media that don’t follow me back–but that’s because I enjoyed their content and followed them without expectation of reciprocation.  I just wanted to see the stuff they said and created.  That’s how social media is supposed to work.  If you like my account, follow it.  If I like your account, I’ll follow it.

But don’t unfollow me as soon as I follow back, ya’ big bowl of vinegary douche.

giphyI’m well aware that becoming “Instagram Famous” involves having more followers than accounts that you actively follow.  But that shit is for people like the Kardashians, Jenners, and Justin Bieber.  You sell pottery ya’ made in ya’ kitchen…ya’ ain’t all that.  I can get the same shit for cheaper at Crate & Barrel.  Even if you get a shit ton of followers with this method of following an account then unfollowing it once they follow you back, no one is going to buy your products.  I mean, people aren’t dumb.  They know what you’re up to…so you’ll just be the crusty knob on Instagram with 10k followers and a bunch of ratchet pottery sitting in your closet collecting dust.

So…I guess that’s my rant about social media sucking turds.  Don’t follow me on social media if you just plan to unfollow me once I follow back, assbags.  But, if you do follow me, and I haven’t followed you back, don’t be afraid to DM me.  I probably just wasn’t paying attention.

UPDATE: Since scheduling this post, I’ve left Instagram. So, if you want to follow me, it’s just the Facebook and Tweeter, Litsy, and Goodreads for now!

BONUS UPDATE: If you think you’re going to talk shit to your spouse in Spanish and get away with it, don’t have a bad enough memory that you forget that she knows Spanish.  One, she will correct your usage and then tell you to “go fuck yourself.”

Until next time…



  1. Allen,

    OH MY GOD!!!!!! You have so hit on my pet peeve! So I had over 12,500 people following me on Twitter and then I woke up one morning about 3 weeks ago and I only had 12,200 people following me. Where the F did 300 people, give or take, go? Do you know how long it takes to unfollow 300 people scattered throughout the 12,000 or so followers that you have?!!!!! It was a several hour event, but it had to be done. And Crowdwhateverthehellit’scalled now will only let me unfollow 10 people per day, so I quit using them about a year ago. Sonsofbitches give you a taste for free and then they expect you to pay for it once they think they have your ass addicted! Screw that!

    I don’t always unfollow people, but when you unfollow me, I have a skill set that will let me hunt your ass down and I will UNFOLLOW YOU LIKE YOU’VE NEVER BEEN UNFOLLOWED BEFORE! RRRRRRRAAAAHHHHHHHRRRRR!!!!!!!! I HATE, HATE, HATE! trying to establish a stupid following. And forget Instagram and Facebook. i know I’ve posted about my relationship with those SOBs before! By the time I reach whatever magical number of followers (and I don’t even know what that number is!!!!) so that publishing companies and/or agents (whoever they are!) will be impressed and will want to publish me or take me on as a client, all of that social media bullshit will probably be obsolete. I will have worked my ass off for nothing. As it stands, I suppose podcasts are what we’re supposed to be focusing on these days, which begs the question: Are we writers that are supposed to be read or what-the-fuck?!!!! AAAAARRRRRGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I just want to write books, be successful enough at writing books and make enough money to support my family so that we can live a decent, middle-class lifestyle. I miss the good old days when publishers willingly did this for their authors. Now we have to write, edit, design, develop our brand, take pictures, be social media savvy and market and manage every aspect of this process! Unfuckingbelievable!

    Sorry. I got a little emotional there. Like I said, pet peeve.


    • It’s a topic that can bring it out in a writer. I was just telling JoJo this morning that it really rubs my ass sideways that I hustle like an ugly hooker day in and day out and I have trouble getting (what I think is) my best writing project any notice from agents and publishers. It’s like–give a muhfucker a chance! With my project and your know-how, this could be amazing, but you assholes only want to deal with people that have 1 mil followers on the Tweeter. It’s all so frustrating.

  2. I hate social media. I hate Twitter the most, but unfortunately it seems to be the most necessary for self-promotion. What a cesspool of vitriol and self-aggrandizing fuckery.

    I lived for Instagram, for a while. Then I just… kind of lost interest. I crave connections–I don’t give a shit about likes; I want comments, I want to talk to people. But, people just scroll through whatever tag, mindlessly liking every post in hopes that the other person will like one of their posts back. It’s not connection, it’s barter. And I don’t fuck around with that follow for follow garbage. I’m grateful to every follower I have that they (supposedly) like me enough to put my bullshit on their dashboard, but I don’t follow people I’m not interested in. If your account is nothing but memes I saw on Tumblr two months ago, I’m not gonna follow you, sorry. No offense to that bro-dude with his sea of black and white shirtless mirror selfies, but that’s not my type. I’m not super keen on looking at pictures of someone-I-don’t-know’s kids (seriously, it is very creepy unless you know the family in question). I will probably follow your pet’s page, though. So, I guess it’s a wash. And I just straight-up ignore any profile that has, like, three pictures and is following 6,000 people because they are literally following every account they find hoping for a follow back.

    So, I can say without a doubt, I have definitely considered burning it all down. Not just my social media, but walking away from the internet in general. But, if you ever want to be able to make a living yourself without depending on someone else for support, you need to market the shit out of yourself.

    I wonder sometimes if it’s worth it.

    • Us weirdos are going to have to stick together and circumnavigate this social media fuckery. It’s just too much nonsense. And I get sucked into it and end up acting like an asshole myself. It really makes me end up hating myself at times. 😕

      • I’m nonconfrontational by nature, so I don’t get sucked into it quite as much. I never engage assholes on Twitter and only occasionally on Facebook. So, I guess social anxiety is good for something!

        It’s still just the worst to even see, though. Like, one Twitter thread I’m not even a part of can just ruin my day. I have gotten liberal with the unfollow/block button. I was following a person who always had some Thread-of-Despair to retweet and, even though they their self was a lovely person, I just couldn’t deal with the second-hand awful constantly showing up on my feed. No amount of cute cat pictures is going to make up for every third post being something that makes me want to throw my computer out the window, you know?

        • All too well do I know. LOL Half the time I’m not sure if the “woe is me” folks or the “look at how popular I am” folks or the “I’m going to ‘well, actually’ everything you say folks” or the or the or the…it’s all too much at times. I mean, I know the interwebs provide us all with an opportunity at some bit of anonymity so we can be our worst selves…but couldn’t we all stop??? LOL

  3. I am so with you on this. It’s one of the reasons I have a hate/sortoflike relationship with Twitter. The good news is, I have so few followers that I can almost always tell who followed me then unfollowed me after I followed them back. So then I unfollow them. Wow. That was a lot of follows. Anyhoo…I keep plugging along, for now.

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