Offensive to All – And to All an Offense

Hi.  I’m Allen T. St. Clair.  If this is your first time “meeting” me, well, you came on a bad day, my new friend.  Yes.  You’re my new friend.  This is not up for discussion.

I’m a (struggling) blogger and a (struggling) author.  Mostly struggling because neither pays nearly what I used to make at my old “real” job–even if it’s 100 times better than said “real” job.

The other reason that I’m struggling is that, as a writer, I’m intimately familiar with something we professionals like to call Writer’s Block.  I think of it more as mental constipation because no matter how hard you strain…nothing comes out.  Just waiting on Exlax to create a pill…

8EKR
Yup.  There’s a gif for that.

Anyhoozles, I spend my weekends not blogging, and instead, writing books and stories and trying to not get distracted by YouTube videos of woodland creatures being anthropomorphized.  I know the struggle.  The sad thing is, I don’t struggle for ideas on what to write about.  I just struggle to get them on my computer screen.

Today, I thought I’d treat us all to a few story/book ideas that I’ve had over the last few days–all of which were nixed by JoJo (the missus).  Maybe you can figure out what her problem is that she thinks that these won’t be best sellers.

 

glory-hole

Idea One – a how-to/love/romance/dating guide for U.S. Senators.  It’s titled “Cruising the Gloryholes – And Not Getting Caught“.  Seems like something there’s a market for, really…

 

 

 

Its_not_gay!_stop_saying_that

Idea Two – A retelling of The Taming of the Shrew, where the teenage girl can’t date the star high school football quarterback until her nerdy brother is also dating.  So she gets the quarterback’s sister to date her brother.  Long story short, the quarterback ends up with the nerdy brother.  Title – All’s Well That (Tight) Ends Well.  Discuss.

 

 

 

 

 

500-days-of-summer-penis (1)Idea Three – Another how-to/love/romance/dating guide, but for right-wing conservatives this time.  It’s called “Butt Sex for Tight Asses: While Keeping Big Government Out of Your Pocket“.  I think that might be a NYT’s Best Seller, actually.  If I don’t get murdered, of course.  Though, it might worth the possible assassination to write this book.

 

unimpressed-gif-11Idea Four – A murder mystery where it’s obvious that the butler did it.  And…well, that’s about it.  I’ll title it “The Butler Did It”.  Everyone will think that’s a Red Herring, but at the end, when they see that the mystery is solved in the title, they’ll set the book down, look out the window with no more will to live, then silently say “Fuck.”  Hopefully, it will be raining outside when it happens.

 

 

throwing-bookIdea Five – A book about how to get rich without even trying.  I’ll call it “How to Get Rich Without Even Trying”.  Catchy, right?  And it will come wrapped in brown paper–you know like old porn magazines you’d see at the convenience store.  Yeah, I’m that old.  Anyway, when the buyer gets it home, rips off the paper, then looks inside, it’ll just be me telling them what a dumb piece of shit they are for the next 400 pages…but I will thank all of the readers for their $29.95 donation and helping me towards becoming rich without even trying.

 

If you’re starting a betting pool on how long before someone actually chokes me to death, I want 2-3 months.

Until next time…

If you want an actual good book worth reading (promise it’s none of the above), then buy these:

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