Things Marriage Has Taught Me

I’ve been married for nearly 9 months now.  So, I’m basically an expert.  Look, if Donny can pretend he knows what he’s doing as #45, there’s really nothing stopping me.  I’ll die on this hill, so don’t “@” me.


Speaking of “@” me, follow me on the Tweeter and Facebook.  I send out several daily twats on the Tweeter, so there’s lots of free entertainment to be had there. I mean, do you want to miss quality twats like this?


Anyhoozles, in a few months, the missus and I will be coming up on our first anniversary, barring any mysterious deaths.  Not surprisingly, I’ve learned quite a bit about how to be a married person, to cohabitate with someone, and to compromise.  I can only imagine how much I’ll’ve learned (if I’m allowed to live) by the time we reach 20 years–it should be an interesting journey.

So, it no particular order, here are a few things that I’ve learned in the first 9 months as a married couple:

  1. At some point, your spouse will tell you to help them eat healthier.  You will be called an “asshole” if you keep your promise.  You’ll be blamed if you don’t.  There’s no way to win this one.
  2. If your spouse tells you that they want you to manage the money and be the “holder of the purse strings”, you’ll find yourself in the same situation.  Be a tightwad, you’re a dick.  Cave too easily and you’re a pussy.  Lose-Lose.
  3. When you and your spouse are arguing (whether it’s a mild debate or a full-on screaming match), you will never diffuse the situation by turning to your wife and saying “Calm down, bro.”
  4. Never comment on the speed your spouse is driving.  Either accept that you’ll die in a fiery crash or take two hours to make a ten-mile journey.  Those are the only options.  Make peace with it.
  5. When your spouse says they “don’t want anything” for a birthday, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, etc., this is a trap.  You should hide once you’re done shitting your pants.
  6. If your spouse says “I just need you to listen to me…” don’t stop them and say “Okay, but first, let me say…”  You’re just asking for a kidney punch.
  7.  One of you will be the erratic, scattered, dramatic partner, the other will be the one that grounds the other.  This can change from day to day, so don’t get comfortable in your role.
  8. If your spouse asks if you would remarry if they die, wait at least a breath’s pause before saying “yes”.  But, no matter how long you wait to answer, if you say “yes”, there will be a fight.  Just tell your spouse to “Calm down, bro.”  Trust me.
  9. If you plan to say “no”, say it immediately.
  10. Most importantly of all – if your spouse needs to talk about something (no matter how much you want to interject why what they’re saying is not a good idea, theory, plan, etc.), let them talk.  Every half in a marriage just wants to know that they are heard, valued, and will have someone to unload their thoughts and feelings onto.  Let. Them. Do. It.

So…want to get JoJo and me an early anniversary gift?  Tell me your best practical advice for married couples in the comments.  Hopefully, it’ll be more useful than mine.  But, if it’s funny, I’ll overlook how useless it is…

Until next time…

Have you bought your copy of MKPI Odd Case Files: The Corpse & The Crossroads yet???



  1. Okay, Allen, as trite as it may be, the first rule you should have learned was to put the toilet seat back down after every use, quickly followed by your wife’s preference for how to install the VIP (Very Important Paper) on the toilet paper roller–over or under! This is just Basic Marriage 101. Then whatever else happens, whatever the argument may be, your comeback can always be, “You know I love you! Who else would I put the seat down for and make sure I install the TP just the way you like it? That’s gotta count for something!”

    Happy early anniversary!


  2. You left out the part about eating her instead of the dog if you’re in danger of starving to death. In the time I’ve been reading your blog, the most important thing I’ve learned is that YOU DON’T EAT THE DOG. Or that your wife has skewed priorities re: survival. One or the other.

  3. I’ve been married 18 years, minus the year and a half we were technically divorced and then the couple of years we shacked back up together before remarrying. I don’t know if being able to refer to my spouse as “my first AND second husband” makes me an expert, but here are a few things I’ve learned:

    1. Make peace with the fact that at some point, there WILL be a discussion about how many T-shirts one person needs to own.
    2. It doesn’t matter if an item belonging to your spouse is not used or searched for in ten years. The minute you sneak it out and throw it away, it will be the THE ONE THING your spouse NEEDS. LIKE RIGHT NOW!
    3. “I’m not going to argue about this” is the quickest way to assure THERE WILL BE AN ARGUMENT about this.
    4. Passing on a trait to your kids that completely annoys your spouse is oddly satisfying.
    5. In all seriousness, communication is key. That means listening and acknowledging that you actually heard what was said. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Picking and choosing your battles will save you hours upon hours of frustration. There are basic personality traits you are never going to change about your spouse. If they annoy you, find creative ways to live with it. You’ll find one day that you actually sometimes love those things about them. 🙂

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