JoJo (the missus) makes up stories about me.  I just found this out, like, a day ago.  The first thought I had was:

Why make shit up when I’m a walking, talking cautionary tale?

After I had pondered that for 2.7 seconds, my next thought was:

No wonder the people she introduces me to look at me knowingly!

Add a little more fear to the look, and this is it.

I mean, okay, I knew that JoJo exaggerated things that I’ve said and done–which is amazing, considering that I’m completely ridiculous to begin with, right?  I’ve screamed “WITCHCRAFT!” at the Starbucks video screen drive-thru, I’ve admitted to wanting to eat our dog (kind of) as well as planning to ride JoJo down a mountain like a sled, snatched Halloween costume wigs off of friends’ heads, ate a jar of peanut butter and cried about it, alleged that a dog foster family sold drugs, and been asked to be part of an A&E documentary on Tourette Syndrome (which I don’t have).  My whole existence is built upon stories about what an annoying asshole I am.

Recently, you might have caught my sold-out, one-man show: “Just Take a Shit Already!” (feat. Jolene), which I performed on my front lawn at 5 in the morning.  We got rave reviews from the neighbors and passing traffic (some say “noise disturbance complaints”, others might say “rave reviews”).

However, JoJo feels the need to make up stories about me because, I think, she needs something of her own.

Most of it is pretty innocuous stuff, really.  Like, for example, the other day she had to text me to tell me that she was going to be very busy so if she tumblr_m0nxs8s2vS1qb2n4qo1_250didn’t text or answer texts, that was why.  A day later, I found out that she told the people she was with that it had made me happy because then I wouldn’t have to talk to her.  I mean, in her defense, that’s mostly true.  She does have a knack for texting and bugging me when I”m knees deep in a project and in the groove.  However, I have never told her that I don’t want to talk to her.  I may say “let’s talk about it later when we have the time” or something to that effect…but…come on.

I’m pretty certain that there is a large portion of the population that feels like they know me–simply because JoJo told them some bullshit story one time.  One that, for some reason, she felt the need to make up.

When I call her out on it, JoJo says “I don’t look at them such as *lies* so much as *husband enhancements*.

I still don’t know why she has to make shit up (exaggerate at best).

Take, for example, this text I sent to JoJo at work the other day:


I asked JoJo why she didn’t just share something like that instead of making shit up.  Her response:

“Oh, I showed people.  They all think you’re a stupid asshole.”

So…there’s no winning here.  I’ll keep being me, JoJo will keep adding myths to the stories, and we’ll carry on with life.  At least all of it is entertaining…or at least makes everyone feel more normal by comparison.

Until next time…

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6 thoughts on “Things My Wife Says – An Ongoing Saga – Pt. 8

  1. So “husband enhancements”, huh? Isn’t that like what Barbie had to get when she married Ken and then discovered the disturbing truth about what he lacked under his fashionable clothes? HAHAHAHAHA!

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