I Am The Seagull (Caw Caw Cuh-Caw)

I’m a weird little fella.  Okay.  That’s not true.  I’m very weird and I’m not little at all.  My fatassery is well documented. *shrugs* I sho’ likes cakes and cookies.  What’s a biggun to do?  In my case–not much.  The nagging feeling that adult-onset diabetes and a stroke aren’t that far ’round the bend doesn’t deter me much.

But that’s not the point of this post.

I know I’m fat.

I know I’m weird.

I know that changing that takes work.

giphy (2)However, each day I discover something brand new about myself.  For example, it has been pointed out by JoJo that unless she specifically tells me that a food item in the house belongs only to her, I’ll probably steal it.  Even if it’s on her plate.  She has to specify that is her food.  I’d like to say that I just don’t understand social norms and cues, but the truth is, I feel that what’s mine is hers and hers is mine.  I don’t need permission to snatch an asparagus spear off her plate or finish off the Oreos she left in the cabinet.  Texas is a community property state, bitches!

Y1z8Additionally, JoJo has pointed out to me that I’m loud.  Not like, loud all the time, though the volume of my voice does carry.  “Hammer on anvil” is how it has been described by some.  I think I just have a voice for public speaking even if I don’t have the personality or desire.  However, as JoJo points out, sometimes I’ll just burst out with a scream, proclamation, or some other random noise–and she suspects it’s just to irritate her.  Little does she know that it’s not a “thirst-trap” like she suspects.  I don’t need an audience in order to make an asshole out of myself.  It’s just something that’s deeply and shamefully ingrained in my personality.  Sometimes I get excited and have to do something about it.  A well-timed and loud scream or announcement does that for me.  Try it.  It’ll change your life.

But this made me realize something about myself.  I might be a seagull.

  1. I snatch food from people, regardless of whether or not it’s appropriate.
  2. I randomly make screeching noises as I, and only I, see fit.
  3. I. Am. The. Seagull.

Have you ever been at the beach, on a pier, minding your own business, and a seagull swooped down and stole something you or someone else was eating?  Have you ever stood there and been startled within an inch of your life when one of those fuckers suddenly screams out like a crazy fucktard?

That’s me.

I will take your food.  I will make obnoxious random noises.

I am the seagull.

giphy (3)

It’s best that you heard this from me and not on the streets.

What creature of the wild are you?

P.S. I added “fatassery” and “biggun” to my Grammarly dictionary.  It’s been a big day for the seagull.

Until next time…



  1. I’m a cat. I want affection constantly, except when I don’t, and that can change mid-affection-giving, and if you try to give me affection when I don’t want it I will probably bite you. I will also scream at you to feed me as though I’ve been starving for the last thirty years, despite having been fed six hours ago. And everything–EVERYTHING–belongs to me.

  2. It’s good to finally put a face to the seagull Paul Rodgers from Bad Company sang about — that was you, right? “Seagull you fly toward the horizon…” Great song! Continue to soar, my gull-squacking friend!


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