Why is Being Trendy Such Hard Work?

Cold Brew Coffee.  It’s a thing.  If you haven’t heard of Cold Brew Coffee, God bless you.  You obviously have a life and don’t have time to keep up with trends or fancy coffee and have more important things going on for you.  To be honest–until a few weeks ago, I was like that.  I mean, I had heard of cold brew coffee, but it wasn’t really a thing that I was concerned with learning about.  A humbly brewed cup of coffee out of the machine from home with a dash of Lactaid and a few Splenda packets was good enough for my daily caffeine fix.  It’s minimal work, doesn’t take more than 15 minutes, and it doesn’t cost an arm and a leg or require that I buy any special equipment.  I’m happy with that.

Not that I’m not a big fan of fancy coffee drinks from a local coffee place–my personal favorite being CJ’s Coffee Cafe & Roasterie (is that a real thing?) in Sherman, Texas. I mean, I posted these pictures to Instagram within just the last few weeks:

Yeah.  I’m that guy.

I mean…I’m serious about my CJ’s and Starbucks.  I get something different every time I go and it’s always freaking delicious.  The Chocolate Chip Frappe is heavenly (though too highly caloric to have every time), the Sweet Cream Cold Brew is divine, and the London Fog is one of the best things on Earth.  And Bulletproof coffee is a new go-to drink.

I’m a caffeine junkie.  Up until maybe three years ago, I was a big Sugar-Free Red Bull junkie–but once I got tired of feeling like a geetered out freak, I had to cut the habit.  Naturally, I had to move on to a caffeinated drink that wouldn’t cause my heart to do the Watoosie inside muh chest.  Or one particular scene from Pulp Fiction:

giphy (1)
Except, it’s caffeine instead of heroin.

Anyhoozles, I looked into making cold brew at home.  I heard it was “smoother” than regular coffee, less acidic, yummy, and a perfect cool drink to get your caffeine fix on during the summer months.  And since I live in Texas, that sounded ideal.

Did you know the steps and money involved in making cold brew???

Here’s a sample recipe from Jamie Oliver.

200I have to wash and sterilize large jars, use cups of coffee at a time, let this shit sit for a half a day, and then strain it thoroughly all before I can even think about drinking it?  Who has that kind of fuckin’ time, energy, or money???  First, I’d have to buy some jars, clean ’em good with hot, soapy water, boil them in a large pot, then soak massive amounts of (expensive) coffee in cold water for 12 hours.  And one big batch of cold brew could easily use half a bag of coffee grounds.  Oh–and it has to be very coarse ground coffee.  Otherwise, it won’t work! A bag of ground coffee off the shelf won’t work–you’ll have to instruct your coffee roaster or go grind it yourself.  Fuck that shit.

Sorry.  That was crude.  What I meant to say was: “Ain’t nobody got time that.”

So…being a resourceful and creative type o’ fella, I decided to make my own “Cold Brew Coffee” recipe.  It is as follows:

1 full pot of strong brewed coffee (12 cups)

12 Splendas (or preferred sweetener)

1 60 oz. pitcher

Step 1: Brew your coffee.  If your machine has a “Bold Brew” option–use it.  Set pot aside to cool.

Step 2: Empty all of your sweetener into the pitcher.  Pour room temperature coffee on top and give a quick stir.

Step 3: Put that shit in the fridge overnight.

Step 4: Take that shit out of the fridge in the morning and you have cold coffee that tastes just fine.  Add milk, creamer, syrups–whatever your little heart desires.  No specialty equipment (besides the pitcher) is needed.

giphyAnd instead of the adrenaline shot scene in Pulp Fiction, your heart will do the dance that Uma Thurman and John Travolta did at Jack Rabbit Slim’s.  Sure, this way of making a cold coffee doesn’t produce nearly as smooth a taste and flavor as real cold brew…but it’s super easy to do and doesn’t require anything you probably don’t already have on hand if you’re a regular coffee drinker.  And it’s nice and refreshing for a hot summer day.

IMG_3195JoJo and I get up in the morning and pour servings into retro-aluminum tumblers, add a splash of Lactaid and drink up.  It’s already sweetened, so not much else is needed.  A full pitcher may last two mornings–but if it doesn’t, it ain’t no thang to make a new pitcher full each day.  We were brewing a pot of coffee a day before anyway, so not much has really changed–other than the fact that we make our coffee a day in advance and we are drinking it cold.  And, I’ll tell you what, nothing makes a summer morning more bearable than waking up to yummy cold coffee waiting for you to pour and enjoy.  It makes the morning routine a lot less horrible.

One final thing–if you don’t have a pitcher to put your coffee into to store in the fridge overnight–try the one we got.  It’s real glass and stainless steel, easy to clean, and looks super pretty.  Best of all, it cost us less than $20.  You can’t really beat that.  It’s also versatile so you can use it for hot beverages, cold beverages, as a water pitcher on the nightstand in a guest room, blah blah blah.  Most importantly–it holds the entire contents of a 12-cup coffee carafe.  You can easily serve multiple people with just one pitcher full of cold coffee.  Unless you’re serving the missus and me–then you better hope you aren’t going to get a serving for yourself.

Until next time…

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One comment

  1. So my husband has been drinking iced coffee for at least 20 years. I discovered this by accident. He had what I thought was an iced tea sitting on the counter and I took a drink. Something happened to my brain at that moment. Brain was like, ah, tea. Tastebuds were like — what the hell is this? But it all happened at roughly the same time and let me tell you — there was nothing smooth about that moment! It was wrong. Just wrong! I’m still traumatized! If I want cold+ coffee, I’m going for Bluebell coffee ice cream! Add a drizzle of chocolate syrup and a nice splash or two of Kahlua and I’m good to go! Great post! Mona

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