Don’t Put Things in Your Butt – And Other Things You Shouldn’t Have to Be Taught

tenor.gifI’ve worked in healthcare and insurance.  An emergency room and an insurance call center, to be exact.  We’ve all heard stories about a friend of a friend of a cousin that knew a doctor that pulled some weird object out of someone’s butt.  I know the proper term is “rectum”, but I don’t work in healthcare anymore so I can be less technical and classy about this.  Because of all these supposed urban legends that people tell, people tend to not believe it when they’re told that a doctor found something that wasn’t supposed to be in someone’s butt…up someone’s butt.  I’m here to tell you–it does happen.  During my nearly 20 years of working in healthcare and insurance, things found their way into people’s asses.  I can think of at least 5 different times I’ve seen this happen without even thinking hard about it. Those people will concoct all kinds of stories to explain why they put said object up their poop chute, too.  Only once in my time of working in healthcare and insurance did someone ‘fess up and say that they got a little “too wild” with a sexual partner and then found themselves up shit creek.  No pun intended.

The term “shit creek” is accurate, because after something is stuck in a butt for a couple of days, when it’s removed…well, you void.  And it’s copious.  Unless of course, you’re the person that had to have it removed surgically through your abdomen.  But that’s another story.

Anyhoozles…I’m here to tell you…people. put. stuff. in. their. butts.

giphyLook–I don’t judge anyone for doing anything sexual as long as it’s between two consenting adults.  If you keep the antimals and chidrens out of it–that’s your business.  However, you must be aware that there are…tools…available for these types of activities.  Things with handles.  That way they can’t, um, slip deeper than you can manually retrieve.  And you don’t find yourself in an emergency room, trying to explain yourself while having fecal emesis.  Look it up.  But just the definition–not pictures.

This brings me to this article on The Mirror about a man who stuck a foot-long eggplant up his Hershey Highwaybecause he thought it would help with his constipation.

Mg4uDl3Look, even if his story is true and he was just trying to, um, widen the highway for the cars, why would you do that? Did you try laxatives? Or apple juice? Or, oh, I don’t know, seeing a damn doctor first?  Why did your mind go from “I can’t poop” to “Well, better shove this foot-long vegetable up my log-cutter”???  This is not something that you should be thinking is a solution to a problem such as constipation.  You should be trying sensible home remedies and then immediately seek a doctor’s care.  You don’t decide that roto-rootering your own bunghole out is the greatest idea in all of history.  I mean, I don’t know how you were raised, or what your financial situation is–but I was raised to believe that randomly shoving things up my Toot-Toot wasn’t ideal.  And having treatment for constipation is generally a lot cheaper than paying for surgery to have a vegetable removed from my body.

But that’s just me.  I’m a simple man.  I don’t come up with complex (and I would imagine–painful) solutions to what is probably a simple problem.  You probably ate too much cheese and you’re clogged up.  Eat some prunes.

In the meantime–stop putting inanimate objects up your butt if they were not designed for the task.  

I think we can all agree that this is a simple rule to live our lives by.  Right?!?

And if you care to share your worst stories about medical “accidents”–even if they’re not personally your own–feel free to leave a comment.

Until next time…



  1. It seems like all these spontaneous rectal probes occur by “falling in the shower”. As a PSA, people should take care while showering, refrain from bringing these items into the shower with them, or place them higher than falling level so your backside is not a bullseye.;)

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