Let’s get one thing straight–I have no specific addictions in life other than Little Debbies (or Big Deborahs, depending upon whom you ask) and I still vape. Haven’t totally been able to give up the sugars and the nicotine. However…I have an unusual problem with caffeine. Specifically, I might have a problem with the amount of coffee I consume.
On a normal day, I get up with the missus, the coffee pot is already brewing, and we have a simple breakfast of peanut butter toast and a banana–and we drink 1 to 2 cups of coffee. Nothing too major. This is mostly because we know I can’t handle too much caffeine in a day and because it’s the only caffeine we allow ourselves anymore. When I’ve had too much caffeine, my fatass flips and I get the personality and energy level of a squirrel that just snorted a line of cocaine and washed it back with a Red Bull. I like to think of myself as “sensitive” as opposed to “crazy”.
Regardless of the potential repercussions, sometimes you decide that a day is special and you will go to a local coffee shop and get something special instead of drinking coffee brewed at home. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.
But…sometimes that causes a problem–if you’re me. And JoJo. Let me tell you The Tale of Coot-Coot…
This week, JoJo and I have been constantly busy–had millions of appointments and errands and on and on and on…so we decided yesterday we would get our coffee at a local coffee shop before book club. So, I was working during the morning at home while JoJo was at a work meeting. Neither one of us had been able to get a ton of sleep the night before for a variety of reasons, so we were running on empty.
Once JoJo got home, we left the house and headed to our local coffee shop. Let me preface this by saying that I somehow found a caffeinated 20 oz diet soda in our fridge and had chugged that before we left. Ever look back at a series of events and think “Yep. That’s where things went wrong.”? Well, I’m having that moment now. I was already a little wired and tired–a deadly combination that rhymes.
We got to the coffee shop and I saw that a drink on the menu was named “Snow Monkey”. Here’s the conversation that came from that:
Me: JoJo, ask her what a “Snow Monkey” is.
(keep in mind that the lady helping us could see–and HEAR–me)
JoJo: Ma’am? What’s a “Snow Monkey”.
Lady: Oh, it’s really good. It’s white chocolate, espresso, steamed milk, cocoa powder, and a few shots of vanilla.
*JoJo and lady look at me*
Me: I want a Sweet Cream Cold Brew…with a few Splendas.
JoJo: I’ll take the same.
Lady: Alrighty. *walks away*
*JoJo turns to me with a “WTF” look*
Me: I thought maybe “Snow Monkey” was a racial slur against white people. I was curious.
JoJo got our drinks, paid, and we left quickly before I could develop more “theories”. Here’s what I posted on Instagram.
See that it’s nearly half empty? That was less than 5 minutes after getting my drink. This is a running theme. So, I sucked my drink down like a Hoover while JoJo sipped hers. We went to the place where I get my haircuts and I went in and got that chore taken care of–and when I came out, we had time to kill before book club. JoJo suggested we go to Books-A-Million to see what was on sale. So we did that.
At that juncture, my two caffeinated beverages had kicked in and I was using Snapchat to send friends weird pictures proclaiming “I AM THE LEPRECHAUN!” At one point, I’m pretty sure JoJo threatened to take my phone away. I mean–what else would you do when your fat husband is stomping through Books-A-Million like Godzilla proclaiming to be a mythical Irish creature?
You certainly don’t let them have more caffeine.
However, as we left Books-A-Million, having spent $14 on 2 new release hardback books (that’s a deal if ever there was one), we still had time to kill before book club. So, being the problem solver that I am, I suggested that a trip through the Starbucks drive-thru was a good idea. JoJo asked if I really thought that was a good idea. Here’s a visual of my response:
So…we went to Starbucks. The line for the drive-thru was all the way out to the highway, so we knew we had found our opportunity to kill time…but it also meant JoJo was trapped in a car with THE LEPRECHAUN.
At this moment in time, I decided to start a running commentary of everyone in sight. My favorite target was a guy sitting on the patio that had on a tweed flat-bill cap, smoking a cigarette and was just trying to enjoy his day:
*me spotting my target*
Me: Doesn’t that guy look like Jim Gaffigan?
Me: He does look like Jim Gaffigan. Why’s he sitting there looking all shifty drinking coffee?
JoJo: Because he’s at a Starbucks, idiot.
Me: *trying to roll down window* Hey, why won’t my window roll down?
JoJo: I put the window locks on.
Me: Take ’em off.
JoJo: *ignoring me*
Me: *pushing button furiously* Hey! Jim! Hey!
JoJo: *as we finally get to move up in line to order* Oh, thank God.
As soon as we pulled up to the order board and the thing lit up and the video feed of the cashier popped up, I screamed “WITCHCRAFT!” Luckily, this was ignored by the fella taking our order.
After we ordered, anytime someone walked too close to our car, I would scream “Boo! They’re trying to get my coot-coot!” Because of this, I’m still amazed that JoJo still gave me my iced Mocha once it was passed out of the window to us.
Immediately, I chugged half of the coffee and used Snapchat to take a picture to send to a friend. The caption was something like “ijdaljeroueoafud983”. I’d share it with you, but that’s not how Snapchat works, apparently. So, here’s this gif instead:
Anyhoozles…that coffee was gone in seconds. And it was time to go to Panera to have a late lunch/early supper–or Lupper–before everyone showed up for book club. I was still jittery and not right in the head. However, JoJo entrusted me to order our meals/drinks at the self-serve kiosk while she went and got our drinks filled up.
Side note: It’s possible that I paid $92 for two salads and two drinks…but I’m too afraid to check our bank account.
I was sitting in the booth when JoJo showed up with our drinks–and I was quickly moving from caffeine OD to caffeine crash. I was a little “slurry” as JoJo and I visited while waiting for our food. After a few minutes, my head was almost resting on the table. However, I’m not your average caffeine freak–I can rally–and when the order pager on our table went off and lit up, signaling our food was on its way, I managed to croak out “WITCHCRAFT!”
So, until people started showing up for book club, I mostly ate my Spicy Thai Chicken Salad in silence, wondering if I had finally hit the pinnacle of caffeine-induced craziness. And by the time we were in full discussion about the book we had read, as well as many other books we had read separately, this was my face:
Somehow, I managed to fight the caffeine-OD-induced-sleepiness and power through book club. However, by the time we were in our car on the highway, I was staring out the passenger window, barely keeping my eyes open, wondering how my life had taken the turn it had taken.
When we got home, I walked inside as JoJo announced that she was going to let Jolene out to “make statues”. She watched me walking into the house, knowing exactly where I was headed.
JoJo: *laughing* You going to take a nap?
Me: *walking towards the bedroom* Coot-coot.
Until next time…