Things My Wife Says – An Ongoing Saga – Pt. 7

Do you ever notice that when I write this particular series of blog posts that the title is a little misleading?  Honestly, it’s not JoJo that comes off bad in these–it’s me.  Sure, having conversations with her is what prompts these posts, but it’s usually my crazy that’s on display in them.  Regardless, it’s JoJo’s reactions to my crazy that really makes these things shine, right?  I mean, she’s my wife–wouldn’t trade her for anything, and I won’t tolerate anyone else giving her shit.  Unless that “anyone else” is me.

 

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Don’t make me defend her honor–there’s not much there to fight over.

Anyhoozles…one thing about being in a longterm relationship, or, especially, a marriage, the way a couple communicates changes.  It’s a cliche, I know, but when you’ve been with someone a certain length of time, you start to finish each other’s sentences.  You even know what someone is going to say before they say it.  And even though JoJo and I have only been married for 6 months (feels longer, according to her), we’ve known each other since we were kids.

This explains the conversation we had tonight:

JoJo: If you were stuck on a mountaintop with me and Jolene…

Me: *without looking up from the computer* I’d eat Jolene first.

JoJo: *blank stare*

Me: *finally turning to her* That is what you were going to say…right?

JoJo: Obviously.  But why?

Me: She’s a DOG.  She wouldn’t put up as much of a fight.

Come at me, PETA.  I don’t give a fuck.  Choosing to eat a dog over a human is not animal abuse in situations such as being stranded on a mountain.  I’d kill and cook her first, though.  I’m not a barbarian.

 

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Obama doesn’t eat dogs.  But he could eat one alive and I’d still call him the best President of my lifetime.

So…JoJo and I have been around each other and known each other for long enough that I know when she’s planning to ask me about BBQ’ing a dog.  I mean, I don’t know how to cook a dog, and being stranded on a mountain without a grill complicates the process further.  However, I’m resourceful when I’m hungry.  Regardless, JoJo couldn’t let the conversation die once she knew I’d kill and eat our dog to survive:

JoJo: But why her?  I know she’s an easier target, but…

Me: Politically incorrect opinion–I value human life over animals.  

JoJo: *blank stare*

Me: Okay.  I don’t. But I value YOUR life over Jolene’s.  If there was a third person with us, I’d eat them and save Jolene.  But that’s not the question you asked.

JoJo: *blank stare*

Me: Besides, if it’s just you, me, and Jolene on the mountain, who would help me get off the mountain and who would nourish me?  Obviously, the dog is the logical choice for eating since she could keep me from starving and you’re human so you have higher brain functionality to help us get back to civilization.

JoJo: If you eat our dog, I’m not helping you.

Me: I’d ride your body down that mountain like a sled if I had to, lady.

JoJo: *blank stare*

Me: Why are we stuck on a mountain again?  

JoJo: It happens.  Remember the soccer team from that movie Alive? The Donner Party?

Me: *blank stare*

JoJo: It could happen to us!

Me: We’re not an Uruguayan soccer team and we’re not American pioneers on a wagon train to California in the 1800’s.  And if you haven’t noticed–we’re not exactly what people would refer to as “outdoorsy”.

JoJo: *walking away*

 

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What I imagine it would be like to use JoJo as a sled.

 

So, lessons to be learned from this conversation?  Well, not many useful ones, but here we go.  One, eating dogs to survive when stranded on a mountaintop is perfectly fine in my book.  Ideal?  No.  Acceptable? Yes.  Two, JoJo doesn’t want me to eat the dog, even to survive–but she’s pleased that I can finish her thoughts.  And three, I’d eat Jolene and turn JoJo’s body into a sled to survive.  JoJo finally knows what type of sociopath she’s dealing with.  We’ll all sleep better tonight.

 

 

 

Speaking of eating dogs, have you helped out the K9 PRIDE Fund?

 

Until next time…

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