I Am the Raccoon

Have you seen this video?  It’s of two raccoons catching bubbles.

I mean…it’s raccoons playing with bubbles set to the background music of Hooked on a Feeling by Blue Swede.  It doesn’t get better than that.  I found this video one night while scrolling through iFunny.  As opposed to actually working.

Now, I don’t know about the rest of you out there on the interwebs, but I have a particular problem with procrastination.  Especially if that procrastination can be fed by super awesome videos of super precious animals.  Or, hell, even just crazy ass animals.

After watching the video of the raccoons chasing/playing with the bubbles, of course, I found myself in a YouTube spiral (only second to a heroin addiction as far as problems go) of raccoon videos.  Such as these:

Did you notice the running times of these videos?  I wasted 10 minutes of my life simply watching raccoons…be raccoons.  Well, some may say “wasted my time”, I would say “enhanced my life”, but tomato/tomahto.

But then it dawned on me.

AM the raccoon.  I’m standing on a bed jumping up and down, slapping and clapping at bubbles, having the time of my life–but accomplishing fuck all.  I literally get myself into internet spirals where I am doing A LOT, but actually doing nothing.  What a way to live a life and perform your job functions…

Okay, maybe not literally standing on a bed chasing bubbles, but still.

Take for example when I wrote the blog post Social Media A-Hole.  When I was looking for examples of R.B.F. (resting bitch face), I spent 20 minutes looking up pictures of celebrities with R.B.F.  That particular internet spiral culminated in me watching a 5-minute video of, like, the Top 10 Best Celebrity R.B.F. or some shit.  And I settled on a cheap joke that T.L.J. is the master of R.B.F.  ‘Cause I’m awesome.

It’s what I do, though.  I sacrifice my time and integrity to find things that we’re all interested in seeing, reading, and hearing.  I’m not saying I’m Mother Teresa*, but if there was ever a clear case for canonization…

So, listen…I’m a raccoon catching bubbles.  That’s just who I am as a person.  I may decide that I need to research Hoodoo for an upcoming book project, and two hours later I’m watching an independent documentary on YouTube about how the Bermuda Triangle is an Illuminati conspiracy.  That actually happened.  Though, I was able to stop myself two minutes into the video.

Anyway, one good thing about my ADHD/procrastination is that I found a blog post on eMammal that explains the “Raccoons Washing Their Hands” phenomenon.  So…enjoy that.  If you’re like me, you’ll be clicking on that right now, on your way to your own internet spiral.  You’re welcome.

* Somehow, I couldn’t find the time to Google whether or not Mother Teresa has an “H” in it.

Until next time…


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