I Created the Llama

Ya’ know…I’m a pretty affable fella.  As long as people don’t roll up on me with nonsense, I generally don’t cause people problems.  Hell, I’m too lazy to cause real problems–those I cause are pretty trivial*.  I may double- (or even triple) text, I may send unsolicited funny emails or texts, messages on social media, etc.–but I do this because I believe the people these are sent to enjoy it.  If they don’t, and they tell me so, I wouldn’t continue.  Or if I just pick up on clues that they are annoyed, I tried to reign myself in.  But, admittedly, I am a handful and a major annoyance at times.  I admit and own that.  But know that it is unintentional and a simple “Hey, would you cut it the fuck out?” will make it stop.  I’m reasonable and understanding that way.

This will be my internal reaction – but that’s MY beeswax.

Having said that – why do people insist on starting drama with me?  I mean, first of all, to start drama with me, you have to be committed.  It’s rare that you will actually see me or run into me, or even be bothered by me unless you’re within a core group of people that are my regular victims.  So, to start shit, you’d probably have to reach out to me via text, Messenger, WhatsApp, Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram, and other social media.  Opportunities to get up in my face in person are minimal. I tend to keep to muhself like that. Only JoJo deals with me daily, God love her.

Finger wag
Yeah.  I’ve been subjected to this move before.

So, yeah.  People starting nonsense with me just boggles my mind.  Drama Llamas can pop up out of nowhere, finger and head wagging, trying to tell me about myself.  Now, I’m not sitting here feeling self-pity or even bad about this.  It’s just a fact of life that some people are Drama Llamas and seem to not be happy unless there is conflict in their personal lives.  I imagine that they woke up happy and peaceful, enjoyed it for a moment, then thought “Hmmmm.  This can’t be right.  Something is going to ruin it, so why don’t I cut it off at the pass and destroy my happiness before someone/something else does?”

Recently, I had someone message me on social media out of the blue and get onto me for not responding as quickly as I normally would to a previous bit of communication.  They accused me of ignoring them and being “shady” by not just owning up to it**.

eye roll gif
That’s exactly what I was up to.

That’s when I realized–they felt that I was ignoring them because they’re used to “Old Allen”.  Old Allen would respond to a text in point-five-seconds–even if he was about to drift off to sleep.  Old Allen was worried that he would be seen as a jerk if he didn’t bend to everyone else’s needs.  Old Allen felt guilty if he couldn’t be all things to all people. Old Allen felt guilty for saying “no”. Old Allen was worried that people wouldn’t like him if he wasn’t CONSTANTLY FUCKING AVAILABLE FOR THEIR EVERY WHIM.

That was before Old Allen realized that these same people were not available ever for him.  So…he changed his behaviors.


So…Old Allen created the Llama.  I set people’s expectations up for how I would respond when they did something.  I set them up to expect me to be ever-present and available in their lives.  So, of course when I stopped behaving that way…that makes me a fucking asshole.  I get it–I truly do.  A lot of this is my fault.

But let’s be clear–I don’t give a shit.

Each of our lives is our own.  We don’t have to jump to attention because someone had a break-up, got a bad haircut, their dog peed on the floor, their old high school crush swerved them, they need something from us, they broke a nail, they need to talk about their problems…on and on and on.  We all have problems (some more insignificant than others), so we can’t always drop everything and rearrange our schedules for other people’s problems (which is what O.P.P. really stands for).

Hell no I ain’t.

In summation, pardon the fuck out of me if I don’t want to be your go-to solution for everything thing that pops up in your life that you find mildly inconvenient.  Sorry if I’m working or enjoying life and don’t feel like scrambling for my phone every time it dings.  I don’t have that kind of time or energy anymore.  And I suggest that, even if you do have that time or energy, you find a hobby instead.

Coming from a guy that relies on social media, a blog, merchandise, and books to make a living, this is solid advice.  The constant barrage of texts, messages, memes, emails, app alerts, and all the other stuff, does not behoove your mental or physical health.  Disconnect a bit.  And if there’s a Drama Llama that just doesn’t get it…


* Of course, in the past I’ve created drama, I’ll admit it.  But nothing within the recent past.

** Admittedly, I was ignoring their first message, but just because I didn’t have the time to answer when I received it, and then forgot about it.  Oopsy.

P.S. Don’t @ me asking if this is about you. The person that inspired this knows. 😁

And go buy this shirt.  It’ll let people know where you stand on this issue.

Until next time…



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