If you were alive for the last, oh, 20 years, you’re probably at least aware of (if not super familiar) with a little show called Family Guy.  Providing a detailed synopsis of the show is not my intent here.  However, I do want you to be familiar with one particular episode–or at least a scene from that episode–so that you can follow this story.

JoJo (the missus) is super familiar with this episode of Family Guy.  Wanna know how I know that she is?  She has taken to calling Jolene (our dog) “Xerxes”.  For example–if we’re going somewhere and Jolene gets to come along, JoJo will announce (in a disturbingly deep voice) “COME, XERXES!”  If she wants Jolene to come lay with her she uses the same voice to holler “LAY WITH ME, XERXES!”  Other phrases such as “LET’S GO TO BED, XERXES!” and “SLAY YOUR FATHER, XERXES!” also make the rounds in her repertoire.  It’s cute.  The first five hundred times.

It goes without saying that Jolene (a.k.a. Xerxes) is JoJo’s best friend and possibly her spirit animal.  Of course, Jolene has yet to make us a decent meal.  Her spaghetti and meatballs are just so-so.  But, because of her status as JoJo’s comfort animal, she goes everywhere with us–as long as it’s dog-friendly and/or we both don’t have to leave her alone in the car with no A/C.

And JoJo’s behavior with and about our dog gets us looks.

For example–we went to this new coffee shop near our home because we both wanted to cheat on our “lifestyle change” a little and get something yummy.  Not only did JoJo tell the (super-friendly) hipster chick at the window that I wanted “Salted Camel”, she chose to respond to the question “Would you like a dog treat?” with “Oh, my god, yes.  I’m starving!”  She thinks she’s cute.  The rest of us fear for our safety.

But, that’s what I got myself into when we became a couple.  I met my match.  Someone that is quick to be a pain-in-the-ass at the drop of a hat.  In fact, here’s a text exchange between us from the other night when she had to go to bed early.


If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.  So…Xerxes, er, Jolene and I will continue to put up with her nonsense and spontaneous fuckery until she decides to change her name, dye her hair, and move to Mexico to get away from us (she does speak Spanish and could probably become a drug kingpin if she really committed to it).  Who am I kidding?  She won’t leave us behind.  She’ll take Xerxes.

Until next time…