Your Baby is a Wombat

I troll the internet.  Okay?  We all know that.  I’ll read just about anything that passes as an “article”, especially if it’s funny or….well, fucked up.  Any headline that says “Top 10 Freakiest…” and I’m clicking on that shit like it’s a slot machine hot and ready to pay out the jackpot.  Not that I have ever played a slot machine…and lost $100 in 5 minutes.  I’m not stupid enough to believe that I’d strike it rich playing slots at Choctaw Casino & Resort in Durant, OK.  Diamond Jack in Bossier City, LA (formerly Isle of Capri)….or the Horseshoe.  Or Boomtown.  Or Margaritaville.  Or Harrah’s in New Orleans.  Or…you get the point.  I’m trash.

Speaking of casinos…why do casino workers have the oldest, worst jokes ever?  One time at the Isle of Capri in Bossier City, after getting drunk as hell on free drinks in the casino, winning over $2000 at, yes, a slot machine, and then jumping into the jacuzzi fully clothed with a friend (whilst holding a half-empty bottle of Jack Daniels no less), we decided to catch a taxi to another casino.  I asked the valet to call me a cab.  He looked me dead in the eyes and said “Okay.  You’re a cab.”  Har-har motherfucker.  Do I look like I’m in the mood to joke?  Actually, I probably did.  And, I’m ashamed to admit it, but I laughed.  I mean…I was in no position to judge his bad jokes after the shit I’d just seen and done.  Oh–and the valet was like 22 years old.  And he pulled an Abbott & Costello joke straight out of his ass like he was a crotchety old WWII vet.

That story isn’t entirely true.  It was a bottle of Jim Beam.  Because I’m classy.

Anyhoozles, I’ve gotten off topic.  The act of digressing from a story is a subtle art form, of which I am a master.  You’re welcome.

Apparently, a woman in Australia, while trolling Facebook (like ya’ do), congratulated a woman on her new baby without really looking.  This caused confusion on the poster’s part, because she wasn’t showing off a newborn baby…she was showing off a baby wombat she had rescued from the roadside.  So, the commenter had to admit that she wasn’t really looking at the pictures and was just doling out “likes” arbitrarily like an idiot.

Look…we all have friends that post pictures of their baby/babies, and we all enjoy seeing them.  Mostly.  But, let’s be honest…this woman holding the wombat in the picture has probably shared pictures of babies in the past that weren’t so cute.  So, the commenter, instead of stopping to gaze at another mongoloid baby, just gave it a “like” and moved on about her day.  We all know someone on Facebook that thinks their waterhead baby is precious and won’t. stop. posting. pictures.

It’s not like you can say “Look, your baby is a potato, and I’d really like to speak up for the rest of humanity and tell you that you’re a hot damn mess”.  I mean, you’re trying to help everyone keep their food down while scrolling through their timeline, but suddenly, you’re the asshole that called a baby ugly.  You just can’t win.  So, you know you have to keep your mouth shut and just “like” the picture and move on.  Or just move on.  But don’t call out the parent for being undeservedly proud of their ugly child.  I mean, a woman in Australia found something that looks like your baby on the side of the road.  You shouldn’t be that proud, Facebook friend.

I have no real way to end this end–since it was mostly fueled by an over-consumption of Cafe du Monde.  However, I must point out that baby wombats are absolutely adorable.  I mean–they’re just the cutest things ever.  But they’re wombats.  If your human baby looks like a wombat–it ain’t cute.  Chain that thing in the basement like Sloth from The Goonies and wait until it grows out of that stage before posting pictures on Facebook.  You’ll be doing everyone a favor…especially that embarrassed commenter in Australia.

Until next time…



  1. Oh wow, I wouldn’t make it public that you’ve never seen Seinfeld. It was mandatory viewing where I grew up.

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