I Tried Pumping My Own Gas in Oregon and My Sister Suffocated in the Car

I don’t know about y’all, but these long-ass blog post titles are really starting to get on my last damn nerve.  If someone doesn’t do something about this…

So I just recently learned that in January, House Bill 2482 took effect in Oregon in the good ole United States of ‘Murica.  This bill allows people to finally pump their own gas in service stations across the state.  That’s cool.  Except, apparently some Oregonians are losing their shit over this law being passed.  Apparently, they’re afraid of hooligans at the gas stations, transients, spontaneous fires, actually not knowing how to pump gas, and, I guess, petrol demons stealing their souls.

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Like, you’re pumping gas, and suddenly, <BOOM>, you’re ass up on the concrete and your pants are missing.  Because these are things that happen at gas stations in the other 48 states that allow self-service.

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Looking at you, too, New Jersey.

My sister and I were actually on a road trip about 4-5 years ago that took us through Oregon.  Lovely state.  Majestic, bountiful views of nature.  We were born in Iowa, lived in Texas at the time…never lived in a state that didn’t have self-service.  At least not while we were car-driving-adults.  We’re adults.  We’re capable.  We’ve only driven off with the nozzle in the gas tank a handful of times. So, we were shocked when we found out that service station attendants in Oregon will raise Hell if you try to pump your own gas.  Here’s how my first interaction with a service station attendant went in the state of Oregon.

Me: *pulled up to pump, taking off seat belt, getting out of car* 

Attendant: What are you doing, sir?!?!

Me: Just getting gas.

Attendant: Y-you can’t do that!!

Me: Are you out of gas?

Attendant: Back in your car, sir!  Get back in your car!  AAHHWOJWHOIGIUDO!

This was followed by Howler Monkey Sounds and him brandishing his antlers in direct challenge of me.

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The attendant’s actual face.

Okay.  That’s a dramatization.  But this attendant was genuinely concerned that I was trying to get out of my car with the Texas plates and pump my own gas.  And I was genuinely curious as to how the pumps were so much more complex in Oregon that he thought I wouldn’t be able to handle it.  However, after Jim-Bob settled down, I asked (from the relative safety of the driver’s seat, through the open window) why I couldn’t pump my own.  Jim-Bob couldn’t really tell me why, other than “you’re not allowed to pump your own gas in Oregon”– in a tone that implied that the other 48 states (*side eye New Jersey*) are crazy for thinking self-service is acceptable.

‘Cause you know, Jim-Bob probably thought if I left my sister in the car to pump my gas, I’d forget to crack a window for her.  

So….in summation, I’m not totally surprised that people in Oregon are afraid that the ghosts of dinosaurs are just waiting to pop out of the service pumps and exact their revenge.  They’re sheltered.  But, they don’t have state sales tax, so you can get your drive-thru bagel and schmear with a huge coffee for the actual price on the menu.  That kinda makes up for having to lock horns with Jim-Bob, right?

Any of my readers that aren’t in the U.S., is this a problem where you live?  And if you’re a reader from Oregon–what the Hell is going on over there?

Until next time…

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