Things My Wife Says – An Ongoing Saga – Pt. 3

Those of you in the Goose Army–those who follow me loyally (and sometimes fanatically–I won’t name any names)–you’re aware that I talk shit about my wife in a lot of posts.  More specifically, I talk about how she is plotting my death.  And not without reason.  I mean, she puts up with so much of my nonsense that my own sister has openly (and loudly) questioned how JoJo doesn’t suffer meltdowns daily.  One time I threw out JoJo’s freezer bag full of Splenda accidentally, and when she confronted me about it, I improvised and accused her of selling cocaine as a side hustle.  Worst of all, she didn’t cut me in!  So, JoJo wakes up rolling her eyes, because I’m usually her first problem of the day.

Regardless, I know that I give her a lot to roll her eyes at daily.  She’s practically a saint, the way she puts up with my behavior.  Granted–I don’t drink and get wild, I don’t get violent, I don’t do drugs, I don’t abuse her (she’d beat my ass if I did, anyway), I don’t gamble, I don’t spend money frivolously, blah blah blah.  My brand of crazy involves the things that I say and the schemes that I get into.  It’s all almost 99% harmless–just irritating and worrisome.  I mean, I’ve already admitted that I’ve publicly speculated about her alleged plans to murder me…

So, in an effort to provide perspective, I present evidence of our interactions that occur after she’s put up with my nonsense for a whole day.  And let me just say–her “high alert” response to me is deserved.  She can’t be blamed…but we’ll still say it’s all her fault anyway.  I mean, she is trying to kill me after all…

 

Example #1

Me: I think I’ve figured out how to live a happy life.

JoJo: Ok…

Me: Finding your person.  The one that supports you and wants to give you the world and cheerleads you towards success and hopes for the best—without wanting anything but the same in return.  Then you’re happy without all the material stuff and nonsense.

JoJo: Are you trying to make me puke today?

 

Example #2

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Example #3

Me: *looking up from my phone and staring at JoJo intently*

JoJo: What?!?

Me: I love you, Boo.

JoJo: Oh, my God.  What did you do now?

 

Example #4

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(*our) I enjoy correcting her.

 

Example #5

JoJo: Hey, I have a question.

Me: I don’t have time for your bullshit today, so let’s just say the answer is “no”?

JoJo: …

Me: What?

JoJo: How has no one killed you yet?

 

She has fair questions…until next time…

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