So, this last week I was dealing with seasonal eye allergies. Or some exotic eye infection that will probably turn into pneumonia and kill me. At least, that’s what one of my inner (paranoid) voices suggested as I laid down to go to bed each night. Because, when you think of watery, itchy, red eyes–you think “imminent death”, right? Well, that’s what Gus thinks anyway. Gus is what I call the hypochondriac voice in my head. I never really discuss this with others because…well…there are facilities for people that casually talk about such things like it’s no big deal. And one of my greatest achievements is having not been caught, diagnosed, thus leaving a trail of paperwork that will eventually (and inevitably) end up as “Exhibit A” in a courtroom one day.
But I digress. So, I was dealing with seasonal eye allergies. This is generally a bi-yearly thing that I know I will be dealing with. Start of Autumn. Start of Spring. The start of it begins with me sneezing. A lot. Like, ten minutes of sneeze after sneeze after sneeze. And not cute little sneezes. These are “shake the walls” and clear the sinuses sneezes where I need a beach towel handy instead of Kleenex. Hungry yet? The worst is if I’m out in public and feel a sneeze coming on–because I know it’s not going to be one sneeze–and I might splatter someone nearby. Mmmmmm. That’s a mental picture, no?
Contacts are not an option during this time, and I have to remind myself every five minutes to not rub my eyes. They’re going to itch. They’re going to water. They’re going to feel dry. They’re going to be blurry. There’s nothing I can do about it besides continue to take my allergy medicine and also include daily eye drops that help to combat the issue. Unless I want to go get a prescription for allergy eye drops that work slightly faster and cost over $100 for a two week supply. Forget going to 3D movies–I have to wear regular glasses! It’s also a time of year where the missus hides all the weapons in the house because I end up casually saying things like “if I sneeze one more time, I’m going to stab my eyes out of my head.” It’s nice to be taken seriously once in a great while.
So…having dealt with this issue for many, many years, I’ve talked to my doctors, specialists, and even done my own research during that time. Doctors and research produce a bit of advice for people with seasonal eye allergies. And they’re all gems:
1) Don’t use contact lenses until things clear up. This one makes sense. Thank you, doctors.
2) Try not to rub your eyes. FUCK. YOU. You try to not rub your eyes, you puddle of dick vomit. My eyes are burning out of my head! But…thank you.
3) “Bathe” your eyes with an over-the-count “eye bath” to help ease symptoms. Or use sterile saline to moisten and rinse your eyes. This helps for roughly 2.7 seconds. Did I mention “Fuck. You.”?
4) Avoid the cause of your seasonal allergies. Stay inside as much as possible. Close windows. Drive with your windows up and internal air circulation running. Wear wrap-around sunglasses if you have to go outside. So…do I need to move to a cabin on the side of a mountain and write my manifesto now, or…
Regardless, I know this is something that I’ll probably have to deal with for my entire life. Gus and I will have long midnight discussions about my oncoming bout with a fatal illness brought on by my red, itchy eyes. And after a week or two, I’ll be fine, Gus will hibernate for a few months, and I’ll act like it never happened. But Gus won’t be gone for long–he’s just waiting. Oh, well. Things could be worse. Gus and I could be discussing STD’s…
Until next time…