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Testing the Limits – A Post About Being Married to a Psycho

So, here’s a post about marriage–and how difficult it can be.  Not for me, of course.  I’ve got it pretty good.   Jodi is pretty laid back, let’s me be myself, she sleeps 27 hours a day, and generally doesn’t cause any problems.  Whenever I need her, she’s there.  She’s a good wife–even if she does call me a “big bitch” first thing in the morning when she sees me.  She’s also my dearest friend and my “ride or die bitch” that will…ride or die.

However, there’s a dark side to our marriage.  That dark side, in one word, is me.  I’m a pretty devoted introvert, so I don’t really go out much, I don’t cause loud scenes in public, and I love being a homebody.  But when I’m around someone that I am comfortable with–I can be a handful the likes you’ve never seen.  Jodi has proclaimed at times “Why are you bitching about the noise when you’re the loudest thing here?”  and “Do you have a word quota you need to meet today?”  I mean, she’s not wrong, but words hurt.

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How I imagine Jodi wakes up in the morning, feeling something is wrong.

I’ll take responsibility, though.  I often go out of my way to do things to see how much nonsense she can take in a single day.

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Jodi suddenly remembering we’re married and living together.

For example, when she first wakes up, I always ask “How was your 47 hours of sleep?”

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Jodi’s first warning of the morning.

I let things settle, but only briefly.  I mean, I don’t have all the time in the world–I’ve gotta work overtime to annoy my wife.  Usually, I follow this up by responding to every look she gives me with “What, bitch?!?!”

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Jodi letting me know she’s ready to rumble.

Next in line, whenever she asks me a question, I remind her she has a smartphone at the tip of her fingers and “I’m not Google, lady.”

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Jodi’s second warning of the day.

Now that we’re getting borderline violent, I let things calm down for a bit again.  But you know that shit won’t last long.  Next, when Jodi asks what we want to eat, I reply with “I don’t care.  What do you want?”  I then proceed to turn down every suggestion she has.

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Jodi’s thoughts on my indecision.

Finally, Jodi tells me to pick something then, if I’m not going to approve any of her choices.  What else to do, but name something that was one of the first things she suggested?

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Jodi on the verge.

Somehow, some way, Jodi swallows her rage and I don’t get punched in the spleen.  Instead, she agrees that we can eat whatever it is that I suggested.  She then asks (since I’m the cook in this dysfunctional relationship) when I plan to cook it.  Of course, my response is to get up, throw my hands up and scream “I have to do everything around here!”

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At this point, Jodi’s ready to “dance”.

Once I’m in the kitchen, I bang around cupboards and drawers, making as much noise as possible, while loudly telling Jodi a story about some nonsense or another.  Usually something that I’m being extra about.  Then I sigh and announce that we don’t have the ingredients needed to make whatever we had decided upon.

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Actual footage of Jodi being held back.

So, of course, I ask her if she wants to pick something up.  When she agrees and asks what I want…well, of course I reply “I don’t care.  What do you want?”

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Jodi finally having enough.
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Ok.  It’s really more like this.

Of course, we finally agree on a place, hop in the car together, go get food, come back home and settle in for a nice dinner.

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And somehow we make it through the day, not once realizing that the whole scenario is going to replay the following day.  I’ll ask Jodi how long her 22 day sleep was, I’ll mock her, be sassy, she’ll threaten to kill me, we’ll argue over what to eat, and then settle in, happy, fat bitches getting on with our day.

I never knew this is what marriage would be.  And I couldn’t be happier.  With a little bit of teasing, both people having a great sense of humor, and a lot of love, it doesn’t have to be difficult to cohabitate and also be happy.

How does your spouse/partner keep things interesting for you?

P.S.  In case you didn’t figure it out – *I* am the psycho…

Until next time…

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