Valentine’s Day. A day for love. A day for couples. Whether you’re married, in a relationship, dating, or single…this day sucks. I mean, sure, some of you whackjobs probably enjoy this holiday based around commercialism and proving your love with gifts. But no one really likes you* and you should probably be removed from civilized society. This comes from a place of nonjudgement, but you definitely need to be put on a watch list, you sick fuck.
Did you all know that from February 13th through the 15th, the Romans celebrated the feast of Lupercalia and dogs and goats were sacrificed, and they whipped women with the animal pelts? Supposedly this was to make them fertile. Women would line up for this shit, too! They also had matchmaking lotteries where men would draw the names of women and the couple would be…coupled…for the length of the feast? If things went well, then maybe they’d stay together even longer. Quaint, no?
Additionally, another fact that might be of interest: Emperor Claudius II executed two men named Valentine on February 14th in the third century A.D. In the 5th century, Pope Gelasius I combined St. Valentine’s Day with Lupercalia to whitewash the Pagan holiday. In the Middle Ages, handmade paper cards became a thing, and in 1913, Hallmark started making preprinted cards for purchase. In 2010, Valentine’s Day sales were around $17.6 billion!
Businesses just want us to buy chocolates, cards, flowers, expensive candlelit dinners, buy rings to propose to our honey, and buy oversized stuffed animals that will be tossed within the year. And don’t even get me started on those little message hearts that taste like chalk and wall paste had an affair with unflavored toothpaste and decided to call themselves “candy”. Unless that “candy” heart says something like “I Guess You’ll Do” or “I Have the Clap” or “It Puts the Lotion on Its Skin”, I don’t find them the least bit appealing in anyway.
But that’s the thing—it’s the same shit year in and year out. We all keep perpetuating all of the tired, boring, antiquated rituals we participated in the year before. And big business loves the ever-loving fuck out of it. Ka-ching! So, in order to help us all tell big business that we’re no longer going to tolerate their obvious ploys to hoover up more of our money, I have some alternative ideas for Valentine’s Day activities.** Here you go:
- Bring up an argument you had two years ago. Promise each other to not go to bed until you’ve agreed on who was the biggest asshole during the argument.
- List all of the things about each other’s bodies that turn you off.
- Discuss whose parents are the most annoying. Bonus points if you make charts and graphs and also try to do impersonations of said parents’ worst characteristics.
- Tell each other all of the bad things about each other you overlook so that you don’t have to be a single person.
- Have lazy, awkward missionary sex without kissing and never breaking eye contact, being as quiet as possible the whole time.
- No matter what the other partner suggests you do, insist you have a headache.
- Men: point out other people in public and tell your partner why you think they are probably better in bed than them.
- Women: if you are with a man, lie and say that you’ve forgotten to take your birth control for six weeks. Email a lengthy description of what happens next to firstname.lastname@example.org.
- Never look up from your phone during the inevitable candlelit dinner.
- Every time your partner touches you for 24 hours, jerk back and hiss. Bonus points if you are actually able to make your head spin.
Any of these things would be a lot more entertaining than anything else that has been considered “normal” over the years. If all else fails, you can try again on March 14th.
*Not even your mother.
**Don’t take advice about anything from me.
P.S. Feel free to comment the worst Valentine’s Day experience or gift you’ve received.
Until next time…
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