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Free Gift with Purchase

Who doesn’t enjoy a good free gift with purchase?  I mean, if a company is offering to give you some free light bulbs for buying a 6 pack of butt douche—maybe that’s not the best promotion.  However, when a company has this type of sale going on and they give you a free item (i.e. a carry bag for your make up or a free 32 oz. bottle of ketchup with your 20 pound bag of tater tot crowns) that’s always a good time.  Especially if you’re frugal like me.  I’m even down for a BOGO (buy-one-get-one) or BOGO-HO (buy-one-get-one-half-off)—free or cheaper shit is always a good thing in my book.

Sales can be great.  A free gift with purchase is even greater.  But we all know when a company is trying too hard to offload some crap that they couldn’t actually get rid of through selling it.  A free neon-orange pleather carry case for the men’s cologne you just bought?  Who needs a carry case for a single bottle of cologne?*  A free “scrub glove” with the new non-stick skillet you just bought? No sir.  I don’t need an extra cleaning implement under my sink mingling with the dust bunnies.  If my regular sponge won’t work—then I don’t need the skillet.  Now you’ve lost a sale and you didn’t get rid of your glove that was just lying around.  Hope you feel good about yourself.  Besides, you just implied that I would have to scrub this non-stick skillet I just bought.

Rambling aside, I’ll get to the main reason for this post.  I can be driving down the road, minding my own business, see a “free gift with purchase” “BOGO”, “BOGO-HO” or “Sale” sign, and I’m ready to sidetrack and check some things out.  I was trying to get to dialysis**, but damnit, I can do that tomorrow—Books-A-Million has BOGO going on!  What’s a little renal failure when you can get two books for the price of one?!?  I’ve been known to put off the main chore(s) I had set out to accomplish just so I could go check out what a free gift with purchase was, or what other type of sale has going on.  It’s a syndrome.  Don’t judge me.

Moving on, yet again, I wanted to share an experience that I had with my friend Jennifer while we were in Dallas looking for the nearest Starbucks.  This was before smart phones loaded with GPS were a thing, so intuition and a good nose were your best tools.  We’re driving along, and I noticed that a lot of “Free Gift with Purchase” signs were lining the road, but nothing was really telling me what you had to purchase, where to purchase it—or any of the pertinent information.  Jennifer was more focused on looking at store and restaurant signs, looking off into the distance, trying to spot that familiar and beloved green sign with a white mermaid.  Finally, after driving a few blocks, the “Free Gift with Purchase” signs ended in front of a tobacco store, and a huge sign was displayed in the storefront, advertising, simply again “Free Gift With Purchase”.

Me: Hey.  Do you need cigarettes?  That tobacco store has a sale.  What do you think the free gift with purchase on a pack of cigarettes is?

 Jennifer: Cancer.  (pointing excitedly) There’s a Starbucks!

 Until next time…

* I once got a free leather Calvin Klein duffel bag when I bought some cologne.  The CK Crave ended up smelling like rotten grapefruit on my skin, but I still got a free duffel bag, bitches!

** I don’t do dialysis.  If I feel my kidneys are acting up, I drink a 12-pk of beer.

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