Google Maps is My Enabler

Picture it: early November 2017. Dubuque, Iowa.  Newlyweds (the missus and I) were on a trip to scope out an area of Iowa that we might want to move to at some point in the future.  When you’re old and retired, and your bones are brittle, and you have poor circulation, moving to an area with bitterly cold winters is ideal, right?  Well, we’re hoping that we’ve got that right.  Anyway, Jodi and I were freshly married, and this was just about the time that she was beginning to discover that she might have made a mistake getting involved with me in any capacity—but it was before she started plotting my death (allegedly).

Originally, I’m from The Hawkeye State, and have spent some time there in my younger years, mostly in the southeastern area of Iowa.  I’ve been here and there in the state, so I generally know how to get from one area to the other.  However, I can’t necessarily tell you the easiest way to find the closest Hy-Vee grocery store in a particular city unless it’s one I’m very familiar with (though, I’m able to sniff out a Starbucks anywhere in the country if I’m within 10 miles of one).  But we live in a great age—the Age of Technology—and you can GPS that shit as quick and your thumb can tap out an address.  If Google Maps doesn’t glitch.

While in Dubuque, Iowa, it became apparent that some update or other glitch was affecting my Google Maps/GPS on my iPhone.  Something that was showing to be 2 miles away would have a drive time of 13 hours and a walking time that would not register.  Literally something around the corner from our hotel would pop up as having a drive time of 27 hours.  It was funny at first…then it became annoying.  Seeing your destination with the naked eye off in the distance, and then being told by GPS that you still have 17 hours to drive was kind of irritating.

Annoying and irritating, that is, until I found a genuine use for this glitch in Google Maps.  Once I realized that everything…everything…came up as being about a half-a-day’s or more drive away, I just didn’t have time to do anything.  I could use this to my advantage.  For example:


Jodi: Can you go get such-and-such before our daughter gets here?

Me: *from the couch* Google Maps says it takes 15 hours!  Don’t have time!


Jodi: Will you go get us a Blizzard before DQ closes?

Me: *from the couch* Google Maps says it takes 27 hours! Can’t!


Google Maps was my new savior and gateway drug into months of increased laziness.  Jodi generally had a good sense of humor about it (mostly because I would still do what needed to be done), but her eyes rolled further back into her head each time.  It was all good fun…until the day that Google Maps said that my destination was 15 miles away and would take 12 minutes by car.  Do you know that viral video of the guy saying the longest “yeah boi” ever?  Well, the day Google Maps stopped glitching, I said the longest “Well, shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit” ever.

Until next time…